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I’ve been covering the NFL since quarterbacks smoked heaters on the sideline and nobody knew what a “concussion protocol” was. Fifty years later, the helmets are shinier, the money’s bigger, and the league still finds new ways to mug you out of your paycheck every Sunday. That’s football, folks.
Week 1 had everyone crowning and condemning teams like it was Judgment Day. Relax. The NFL’s a long scam, and Week 2 is where reality smacks you upside the helmet. Let’s go game by game.
Patriots at Vikings
The McCarthy honeymoon is one week old, and Minnesotans already think they’ve drafted the second coming of Fran. Cute. This week he gets Vrabel, who eats rookie quarterbacks for breakfast and spits out turnovers. Jefferson will make plays, but it’ll be a grind.
Pick: Vikings 23, Patriots 20. Betters: take New England and the points. Kid’s due for a wake-up call.
Bills at Jets
Josh Allen is the human rollercoaster: one boneheaded throw, three cannons to Diggs. The Jets are all noise and no consistency. Buffalo’s still the big brother in this backyard fight.
Pick: Bills 30, Jets 20. Hammer the over.
Seahawks at Steelers
This one’s uglier than a Duluth alley in February. Seattle’s defense is leaking, Pittsburgh’s offense is a rumor. That means sacks, punts, and Tomlin’s jaw flexing in prime time.
Pick: Steelers 17, Seahawks 13. If you love points, don’t watch.
Broncos at Colts
If boredom was a football game, this is it. Denver’s already quitting, Indy’s just stubborn enough to win by accident.
Pick: Colts 20, Broncos 16. Take a nap instead.
Cowboys at Giants
Dallas fans will strut like they’ve already booked flights to Vegas for the Super Bowl. Parsons will blow this game up, Dak will pretend he had something to do with it, and the Giants will wish they stayed home.
Pick: Cowboys 34, Giants 17. Lay the points and cash it.
Bears at Texans
Justin Fields looks lost. Stroud looks like he’s been in the league five years already. Houston’s arrow is up, Chicago’s stuck in neutral.
Pick: Texans 27, Bears 14. Chicago bettors: seek therapy.
Raiders at Dolphins
Vegas can’t run with Miami’s sprinters. Tyreek will run past guys so fast they’ll be asking for Uber rides.
Pick: Dolphins 38, Raiders 20. This isn’t a game, it’s a track meet.
Saints at Panthers
Derek Carr is average. Carolina is worse. That’s the whole column.
Pick: Saints 19, Panthers 10. Yawn.
49ers at Lions
This is the one worth your nachos. Detroit is scrappy, Ford Field will be deafening, but San Fran’s still the bully on the block. Purdy’s boring but he doesn’t blink, and the Niners’ defense travels.
Pick: 49ers 27, Lions 24. Best game of the weekend, enjoy it.
Ravens at Bengals
Burrow looked like hot garbage last week. He won’t twice. Lamar will run around like a video game, but Cincinnati’s too proud to drop two at home.
Pick: Bengals 28, Ravens 23. Smart money rides Burrow bounce-back.
Chargers at Titans
Herbert will light up the stat sheet, Tennessee will drag this thing into a mud puddle, and we’ll all wonder why the Chargers never blow anyone out.
Pick: Chargers 26, Titans 21. Betting Titans +6 isn’t crazy.
Buccaneers at Falcons
Bijan Robinson is the best player in the division. That’s it.
Pick: Falcons 23, Buccaneers 17. Ugly, but profitable.
Rams at Cardinals
Stafford can still sling it. Arizona’s still a franchise in witness protection.
Pick: Rams 28, Cardinals 16. Cards are a weekly fade until proven otherwise.
Eagles at Chiefs (Sunday Night Football)
Mahomes, at Arrowhead, in prime time, coming off a loss. Do I need to keep typing? Philly’s good, but this is where they get reminded who runs the AFC.
Pick: Chiefs 31, Eagles 24. Betting against Mahomes at home is like betting against gravity.
Browns at Jets (Monday Night Football)
Cleveland’s defense is legit, and the Jets are still the Jets. Browns will grind it out, fans will drink too much, and we’ll all regret staying up late for this one.
Pick: Browns 24, Jets 17. Take the under if you like sleeping early.
Betting Board
- Best Bet: Chiefs -3.5 vs Eagles.
- Over/Under Special: Bills vs Jets, slam the over.
- Upset Alert: Patriots +6.5 at Minnesota. Rookie quarterbacks eventually look like rookie quarterbacks.
Final Word
Half a century of this, and the lesson never changes: September lies to you. Don’t crown champions after Week 1, don’t bury anyone yet, and don’t act surprised when the Jaguars win a game they shouldn’t. That’s the NFL — a long con dressed as a sport.
The picks are yours. The blame, as always, is mine.
